Emotions are like water

Smooth surface of water
surrounded by what could be marble
black strands against dusty frame
floating carefree

Behind the dreamy eyes
are questions unanswered
emotions unattended
hopes still alive

Just like the water
neither here nor there

No matter how hard I try
I cannot hold it
but it still touches me
clinging on to my skin

Lets play the PEACE game !

Image from Google. Click to enlarge

This is seriously cool! And now it's my pc wallpaper.
Attaining peace is indeed a journey, of acceptance, love, empathy, awareness and all that good stuff!

What say, wanna play the peace game? 

Forgive, if you can't forget

I was talking to a young man today, and I don't know why I say it like I am 90. But since I don't want to reveal his identity, let's just call him a young man.

It all started with one sentence, like it always does, when I said -

"I respect everyone"

And a very obvious reply came from the young man - " you can't respect all, some people don't deserve it"

And while he is right in many ways, I still do believe there is at least one quality in all of us, no matter how mundane, it is worthy of respect.  But then there were questions like 'How can you respect killers and rapists?'

Maybe you can't respect them, they have caused a lot of pain. But I don't hate them and I don't wish them death. I think they need help. I say "in our head, we all think we are the good one" even though our actions say something else. But we all our convinced that we are good, we are fighting for a purpose. Like Hitler was a jackass, but he was convinced that he was doing everything for Germany.  Yes we can argue it was just searching a twisted way to get power, but in his head, and his supporters, he was a hero.

Now the young man tells me a little story, something he experienced. He tells me that a member of his family was a police officer and was killed by a terrorist. His son was only 20 days old when he died, he didn't even get to hold his child. The young man asks me how can I say the terrorist needs help and forgive him for causing such pain to his family.

Pain is such a thing, that any argument can turn into ashes, and all the reasons won't really matter. But I still manage to say, 'killing the terrorist won't bring back the father of 20 year old'. You can never reason the death of a loved one, whether it be because of a gun or a boomerang.

When I tell this conversation to the man who loves me he says 'you are stupid Ruhi, if anyone hurts you, you think I will let them go? Stop being a Gandhi'.

To cut the tension I say to him 'honey if someone kills me, you'll will throw them a party'. But I know what he means. Maybe you can forgive people who hurt you, but can you ever forgive someone who hurt the one you love? Isn't it much more harder?

Me, I am a pacifist. I stick to my ideals. But even so if someone every hurts the one I love, forgiving them will be the hardest thing to do. But I know will, and I have. Because I won't be consumed by hatred, this is a promise I made to myself.

This is what we have always done. Fight hate with hate, war with war when clearly the only thing that can defeat hate is love. And loving a sinner is hard, that is why we all are not Saints. If we can't love them, can we forgive them?

Killing the murderer won't bring back the dead, killing the rapist won't bring peace to the girl who got raped, only thing it can give is a sick satisfaction. That will put us on the same page with people who commit crimes, just for sick satisfaction. And it's easy, its barbaric. Lets just kill them all. Because forgiving is hard and painful. And we humans are taught to run from pain, we never accept it as a part of life.

The young man shows me two videos, one from India and one from Pakistan, of innocents being beaten up and asks me if it is practical to forgive them.

I look at the videos, and I look at the huge crowd looking at people getting beaten up, and the police who did nothing. I didn't know who to forgive, the police, the bystanders or the people with sticks beating up innocents. Nothing about it was practical. All I saw were people disconnected and unaware of the importance of human life.

We have been divided, and we continue to do that everyday. We are race, caste, countries, colours and languages. All we really are, just silly little humans.  So many reasons to hate one another, so many reasons which stops us from understanding each other.

We look at flags and deities and holy books, if we had looked into each others eyes, we would have known the truth, we are one. 

Let us try to forgive and heal our wounds instead of digging it deeper. You keep messing with the wound and slowly the infection will damage the whole body. Soothe it, heal it, forgive it.

I am now thinking of last words Jesus said when he was on the cross.
"Father forgive them, for they not know what they do"-  Luke 23:24
These words are traditionally called "The Word of forgiveness". We all need that, words for forgiveness, for those who hurt us and the one we love.

And to the man who loves me, if I get killed, please spare the murderer, take him to the psychiatrist maybe, that's all the torture he needs.

Image from Google

Thank you for making me

I came across Jason Mraz tonight, thanks to youtube, the source of all (well most of the) hidden talents in the world.

A beautiful song.

After you hear this, think about the things you are thankful for, the things you generally miss out.

 Everything in this world is helping us grow even when you don't notice them.  Look at people, places and things you miss out and see how they will inspire you.  Take some time out to thank the good and the bad in your life because they make us who we are.

I am just going to listen to Mraz and let him tell you the rest.

A Wanderer's Home

Yesterday evening me and my friends were sprawled on the grassy grounds of the park near our house, making up jokes and looking at dogs and their owners, trying to spot good looking guys who don't have their hands around  good-looking girls. I was just soaking up the beauty of the park when I looked at an almost-old, almost-balding man in navy blue sweater and black pants walking through the park to I don't know where, and shouted "OMG, he looks like Paulo Coelho".

That is how badly I am obsessed with Coelho, now that I think random strangers in the park can be him. I love him. I am not that much of a reader which is funny because I write for a living. But I can never pass a Paulo Coelho book. Whenever I read him, it's like I know him, like he is me. I love when that happens. I am sure he is not like me, he is not a 19 year old girl. But just his words resonates with my thoughts and ideals so much. 

I think the first book of his that I loved was Brida. I was into witchcraft then and I wanted to read about magick since no one around me was into it, so I wouldn't feel alone. Brida is a book which many don't understand, many who never practised magick. Everyone loves the Alchemist, I love it too. But Brida will always be my favourite. 

Over the summer I read Like a flowing river... and fell in love with that phase. Wonderful book, filled with short stories and profound as always. Currently, I am reading Aleph which I was lucky to find in Chennai airport bookshop. Aleph is amazing, any spiritual person will love it. 

I know some people who would read Paulo Coelho's work and say' life-changing', 'exploring the unknown' or 'he taught me so many new things'. But I am not one of them. To me his words are very reassuring. That I am not the only one who thinks and feel that way. I am travelling alone, but this path is walked by many, like him. 

For me, this world can be overwhelming, there are things I don't understand. Sometimes I feel I don't belong, but I am very much needed. And through all this, I remain a wanderer. His words are familiar because I speak them everyday, to myself and others.  His books are a doorway for me, a doorway to a world I know, unlike the one I have to face. When I read his words, it's the only time I am not questioning and searching, I am at peace. Like being home. But can a self-proclaimed wanderer ever feel at home? In the journey of my own and others, I sometime find home. 

Image from Google

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”
- Paulo Coelho, Brida

"Logout" is the hardest button to click

Confession - I am addicted to facebook. Yes, I am. I have over 900 'friends' few ex's and of course my family. Sometimes my mom actually messages me on facebook asking me to come down and have dinner. You know you are addicted to facebook when you are chatting to your mom when she is just a hall away.

Like I mentioned I have my ex's on facebook too, why? Because I need to know what they are up to. I know, sick! But let me also add, I am the kind of person who does not hold grudges so I don't stare at their pictures mumbling curses under my breath. The worst I can do is look at their present girlfriend's picture and think 'ha! she is fatter than me' and then go to the gym to actually make that happen (like for a week).

I wonder how will I feel if my boyfriend (imaginary) dumped me on facebook without telling me. Obviously he is a jerk. I'll probably cry and get drunk and will be over it after a week or a month or a year depending on the relationship.

Here is this girl, this beautiful precious 23 year old Indian girl who killed herself because her jerk of a boyfriend updated his status something like this

"Feeling super cool today. Dumped my new ex-girlfriend. Happy Independence Day."

I don't think he realised repercussions of his actions. It's not the first time I am seeing a fb status like this. I see it everyday. Boys who are glad they dumped their girlfriend, girls who are convinced there is no love out there, or couples who announce their love everyday. 

A teacher I know (who actually passed this news to me) said "Are we not preparing our students to withstand the disappointments of life?" 

A very good question, a very important one actually and not much asked . For some reason our school system (especially Indian) deals mostly with academic prospects, that too if you feed them some money. But surely trigonometry cannot help you deal with the 'real' problems of life.  The one that keeps you awake at night. Trying to aim high we forget what ground are we standing on. A ground made up of family, friends, lovers and most importantly relationship with ourself. If that base is weak we cannot take off to the skies, can we? Who teaches us that? Sure we can take counselling. But how many people are brave enough to say 'I need help'. 

People shy away from talking on such matters and I understand why. That status made a girl suicide, it probably wouldn't have affected someone else so much. And who knows what other demons she was fighting inside. Maybe this break-up was the last strike.  Despite of her friends and family imagine how lonely she must have felt. Maybe she just needed to talk. If someone could have shared her pain, she would have been alive today, crying over some other man. 

But I am a believer in death, that it happens when it is suppose to happen. There are people who try to kill themselves and still survive because they just had to live a little more. Maybe her life is complete. 

We cannot bring back the dead, nor should we waste time in mourning over death, that only stops us and them from moving on. She already made her choice. But what can we do is think for people who are alive and in pain? 

I know it's a silly society we life in, where facebook can take a life, but never forget the people you add are real. They are more than just a profile. Next time your friend is crying over a guy you know is a jerk, talk to her, listen to her. Or you see your guy friend getting drunk over a girl, join him and make him see other things worth living for. Just hear them out. 

There are some of our friends who are so sensitive and a little naive, they need us. 

Issues like suicide can be scary, and no one really wants to talk about it, because sometimes it's just easy to talk about corruption and oil prices. 

Or you can just not add your boyfriend on facebook.  But that ain't happening. 

Tumblr is cool, Blogger is love!

From past few weeks I have been wondering if I should make a Tumblr. Why? Because, well, everybody seem to have one, and it looks cool. I thought of million reasons why it had to be made -

- I can post cool pictures that inspire me
- I can connect to the crowd who think blogspot is silly
- A new and improved pretty blog!!
- I get to be in the 'cool crowd' of cool people posting all the cool things!

O.K. i know that's not 'million', but they are valid.

So basically, what I'm trying to say.........isn't it so much more cooler than stupid old blogspot?

If only I didn't have the tendency to be 'loyal' to the things I use....I just can't get myself to leave this blog, or cheat on it with tumblr! Just cause everyone is doing it is not a good enough reason.

I LOVE this blog! It's like my little not-so-personal, available-for-all to read diary.

But of course, I just had to try making a tumblr, I just wanted to see....

And so I did, and I posted a cool picture, of this cool fashion photographer. That's all.

I tasted it, it wasn't that fun. I wanted my blogspot back.

Even though I am a person of clock, and I change with time, and adapt new ways, but I still like to return to something i know and love, like a sailor returning home.

Like a Blogspot?

PS : Don't be surprised if I go for tumblr, I am loyal yes, also flaky. I know they are kind of extremes, shoot me! 

1 Indian, 1 Iraqi and 6 boxes

image from google

All moved in into my new house, shifted my things from the storage, now the only challenge is to fit my 3 years worth of stuff into my tiny room. I got no idea how it's going to work out but I know I'll manage somehow because there is no other choice.

I called in to hire a man and a van to help me move my things from the storage. The driver called me to say he was stuck in traffic, so we are running 2 hours behind, thank you London traffic! When I reached my storage place there was a fair, dark-haired, medium built, middle-aged man waiting for me, who greeted me with a thick middle-eastern accent and a very sweet smile.  Later I found out that he is from North Iraq.

We emptied my little storage cube and I got to sit on the big van to take my stuff back to my house. Boy! that was fun. To break the silence, on the way back to my house we had a little conversation. The first thing he asks me is if I have a boyfriend. No, regardless of people may think, I don't think he was 'flirting' with me, the man was just curious.  You see a young girl in U.K. sorting out her stuff alone and you wonder all these things.

Oh! wait no, the very first thing he asked me is if I was married. I replied ' I am 19' with a laugh. One reason I said that is because obviously most 19 year old girls are not married and if they are they won't be booking a stranger to help them move their things, they would be making their husbands slave over it. Second reason is because soon I will be 20 and I want to enjoy saying 'I am 19' in the little time I got left.

Anyway back to the Iraqi, he interrogated me a little more and I politely answered all his queries without giving out too much information, but really there is nothing to fear, if he wanted to stalk me he bloody well can, he knows my address and my number. He tells me that his cousin is married to an Indian woman, which is always a nice thing to hear, I love it when two people from different cultures and country get together.

It's funny because earlier my friend/housemate joked what if the man I hire to move my things is the love of my life. Well, I have to say, that did not happen. The chances of me getting with a middle-aged Iraqi is very less, and the only reason I say 'very less' is because I believe more in 'never say never'.

My van driver did his work and retired with a smile. If I didn't had to pay him, I would have called it a disappointing date. End of the day I was still single, with six boxes and £60 less in my Marc Jacob wallet. 

Mad Chicken and the Golden Eggs

So I am back in U.K. now, back to green lawns and unpredictable weather, to friends and ex's. I haven't even completely moved in yet, half of my things are still in storage and i am down with sore throat and fever, probably because of the weather change.

My dad just called me to see if i am alright, usually my family checks on me few times in a week, but now that i am kind of sick, the doctor and parent in them won't rest in peace if they don't talk to me everyday. But everytime my dad calls, he has this strange note of worry in his voice, it always bothers me. I have been out of India for 3 years now, it's not like i am completely naive about living alone.

Is it just a 'dad' thing? Or maybe it's just his voice, i don't know maybe i am imagining it to be worrisome because i always think they are over-protective of me. But let me assure you that my mother and father are the most liberal parents ever, it's just that no amount of freedom was ever good enough for me. If it was upto me I would forever roam around the world and not care about anything.

I would travel to different lands, meet new people, stay at caves and sleep under the stars. And then I would move to another land. Maybe it's my zodiac sign (Sagittarius) that makes me think like a nomad. But still when I feel hot I want an a/c or when I am cold I put on the heater, I wonder if I was a nomad I would have survived the hot desserts and the chilly nights.

"He who is really happy is happy everywhere, in a palace or in a cottage, in riches or in poverty, for he has

discovered the fountain of happiness which is situated in his own heart. As long as a person has not found

that fountain, nothing will give him real happiness.” ~Hazrat Inayat Khan

I wonder what will make me happy,maybe it's a fountain that I haven't found yet. But something tells me that nothing can 'make' me happy, I can just be it.
I see people saying 'oh if I get those shoes I will be so happy' or 'if I can get a rich husband and a nice house my life is set, I will forever be happy', but once they get that, they will chase after other things that they feel will make them 'happy'. This is how we get caught in a vicious loop of finding something that is already there.

Maybe we all are running around eyes closed,  like a mad chicken, to find the golden eggs, oblivious of the fact that we are the one producing it.

Living in the moment

I was just going through my Facebook reading my 'friends' statuses the usual heartbroken quotes, relationship crisis of a 14 year old, fashion parties and the most popular kind of quotes - the free advice.

There are thousands of quotes, saying this is how you must live or that will only cause you trouble yada yada. The do's and don'ts of life, they say.
So many things to keep in mind, when do you actually live your life? We keep following these 'rules' to have a better life, and yet we never see, that the time is gone but all we have done is 'plan' to live our life but not live it. It's not like 'God' says "alright you plan now, get your life manual sorted and then I will start your clock". They say time and tide never waits for anyone. Time is free flowing.

There is just a moment and it's all we have, don't we?

Carpe praesenti ! Carpe Diem !

Feeling Facts

Sometimes I look at people and I can’t believe that they are being real. It just can’t be, you are fake I want to scream, but then who am I to say that, I don’t know them through and through , it’s just something I feel and we live in a world where facts are important than feelings, it’s fair I guess. You can’t always trust your feeling can you? They just might be induced because of jealousy or ego problem or a bad childhood…the list is endless really. So many reasons not to trust your feelings.

Let me tell you, I am a cry baby when it comes to movies. I have cried almost in every movie, sometimes in comedy movies as well, just because I saw a ‘happy ending’. But life shows you crap and now I don’t cry as much, trying to be a tough cookie or whatever, as Count Dracula says in Van Helsing ‘No! I have no heart, I feel no love. Nor fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow... and I will live forever’(insert heavy European accent).

 I think the last time I bawled like a baby was when I saw Cast Away, I posted about that already.

Yesterday I saw I Am Sam, those of you who haven’t seen the movie it’s about a character named Sam Dawson (played by Sean Penn), a mentally retarded father of a 8 year old girl trying to get custody of his child because the court deemed him incapable of being a good father.  

Yes, he seems incapable with the mental ability of a 7 year old trying to raise a 8 year old girl who won’t stop growing mentally like he did. Imagine what she could have gained with having a ‘normal’ father. The only reason for them to stay together was their relationship which no one can change; the love they shared could not be replicated by foster parents. 

I’m not going to rant off about the movie, but here again it’s fact above feelings. It’s a fact in the court that he is retarded and a single parent. It is a fact that he really has no ‘normal’ and ‘able’ friends to help him out. His only reason to fight was - his feelings.

There is this scene in the movie that stood out, when the little girl is asked by lawyer if she thinks that any other family could cater to her needs much better than her biological father and she replies ‘All you need is Love’. Feelings over fact? Considering love is something that you 'feel'.

But then isn’t feelings a fact of life? Then why think so much to act on them?  What is this need to polish everything we feel to conform to society? Why are feelings so neglected and yet it’s the only reason we live and fight and survive, because we can feel. Pleasure or pain everything we feel propels us forward in life. That is a fact. If you were numb you would never move. 

If you haven’t watched this movie please try to. It’s a good one. 

PS – I cried throughout the whole movie.  Evidently I can't be like Dracula, I still am fascinated by him.

Drip Drop

I took these pictures few days ago with Sony DSLR A230, it is not my camera, i just borrowed it because i could not resist not clicking pictures in rain and i did not have my nikon with me. 

 PS : Please don't nick my pictures because i can and will sue you.

Machines and Men

There are days when everything I touch turns to gold, and then there are days like today, when everything I touch turns to goo.
I read the newspaper this morning and got inspired to write a post, so I run upstairs to my room open my laptop, press the start up button …..and nothing. It just won’t open. I tried to charge it, remove the battery and put it again…press the start up button with all my might…Nada.

All that inspiration got exhausted in the anger I felt at the moment…and I don’t even get angry anymore, but this time I was. I was pissed off. I just got this laptop repaired. Everything seems to be going wrong in my life, my love life sucks…my university is sucking the life out of me and I am still fat.

I called my dad and ranted out about my laptop and we came to the conclusion that it is indeed broken and nothing can be done unless it is sent out to the mainland because it cannot be fixed in Andaman Island, it’s a pain to live in an island when it comes to technology.

I asked my mom if I can borrow her office laptop (which I am using now) and she agreed but not before she reminded me million times not to be too careless and avoid any adventures with it, as if I take my laptop to bungee jumping with me.

With time the anger faded and I realized everything will be o.k. …things will work out, it won’t be easy but it’s not the end of the world.

I could buy a new laptop, but it reminded me of my love life. Laptops and Boyfriends can be similar…with time you get attached to them and maybe a little bit depended even, only that one day they break your heart and just stop working! But then you can always find a new one right? But for what? Getting a new one is not a lasting solution; someday they will stop working too. So, no point of making something or someone your whole life.

Some major insecurity huh…no really, I understand men are not machines. Even though sometimes it may seem like it, but still, they are not. Men are a little bit misunderstood to be honest. I feel people just expect so much from them, no one really understands or gives attention to the. Women, you know, are always center of attention, for good things and bad, but men…they can be a bit expendable. No one cares; they just say ‘Man up’ and move on. What is ‘Man up’ anyway?

I get it I can be careless, yes I can. But sometimes I honestly feel machines are conspiring against me. Yesterday my hair straighter just stopped working, it just won’t start just like the laptop…they both just won’t start. Then just now, my Nicky Clarke hairstyler ‘accidently’ pushed my makeup on the floor and almost broke it. What is that huh? I bet machines are just gathering somewhere and saying ‘oh so you are going to Ruhi’s house, awesome. She is easy, just stop working one day, see how mad she gets.’

Fine I accept maybe I knocked my makeup on the floor while keeping my hairstyler on the shelf, that is a possibility. But I did not screw up with my laptop and hair straighter, no sir. But it’s not unusual, machines tend to stop working around me. I’m telling you, it’s a conspiracy!! Terminator may just happen.

On the other hand men stop working around me as well….but that’s just life I guess



Image from Google



A Seeker, Wanderer and a Loner

The clock says it's past midnight

Night has spread it's veil on the city

Seeker needs to turn on the lights

Darkness can wait for sometime

The guide can never fathom

A wanderer's lack of direction

Everyone has places to go

But I am just an observer

Don't mistake my silence with sadness

I just want to wait and see

A loner never suffers with loneliness

It's a journey to within  

Hello September 2011 !!!

August was kinder than July, and now it's September! Time has flown by so fast. I learned a lot of things last month. A lot of time i spent travelling into the depths of my mind, dig out forgotten memories and feelings, and each time i have opened my eyes the world changed a little bit. That's the beauty of self exploration, in every breath you can see something that you never noticed, every moment can be intense and surprising. 

I loved all the lazy days when i laid back and just got lost in nothingness, it was pure joy. I also enjoyed the other days which were challenging, when old the ways and perspectives were renewed, and  i loved all the time with my family, every moment empowered me from within. 

I have already started packing my bags, I'll be leaving Andaman in a week, can't wait to get back to U.K. a little change of location always helps and i get to meet my lovely friends again. 

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” - Maria Robinson